I've been thinking. Well I am always thinking but this time I've decided to share what I am thinking, which was very hard actually.
Perhaps if you're read my previous posts you might have read some snide asides regarding neurodiversity. I've looked through some things I wrote and thought maybe I miscommunicated my feelings. While I am trying to process my own feelings and find my own way as an autism parent it is never my intention to insult or mock people (adults) who live with autism. If you are reading my blog I hope the overall tone is that of acceptance, love and awe even, never of negativity or animosity. So I decided to set the record straight. Not for any one person or organization, but for Sophie, whom I have no doubt will read this blog one day.
|Listen up good baby girl|
Emotions are hard for me. I hide behind sarcasm when I feel most vulnerable, that's how I cope. Sarcastic wisecracks are like a wall between myself and emotions I don't want to feel. I am also wary of people, especially those who ban together and proclaim themselves "an organization". I often scoff at their ideas before giving them much thought because of being sceptical of their motives. It might not be right either but that is me, your mother.
This past year started off rough. We heard you had "global developmental delay and autism". We were handed pamphlets and were told it is "okay to grieve". Social workers asked how we are "coping". Many well-meaning people expressed their sympathies. In other words we were treated as if we had a tragedy happen in our lives.
Well guess what? You are anything but a tragedy. When you were a baby we called you our sunshine and you are still that. Your smile lights up the room. Spending time with you is one of my hobbies and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom.
I want you to feel good. I am giving you vitamins not to "cure" you but to make you strong and healthy. I put you on the gluten/casein free diet because your digestive system had some issues and the diet seems to be helping. I want you to communicate not so that you appear "normal" but so you can express your needs and opinions. I know you are very opinionated, I see that twinkle in your eye.
If I seem to falter, if I am overwhelmed, if I am sad even, it is never because of you. It is because of me. I worry if I am enough, if I am doing enough, if you have everything you need to thrive. I know your potential is incredible, so incredible that I wonder if I will be able to give you the support you'll need to accomplish all you will want to accomplish.
Sometimes I feel afraid. I am not afraid of you, or even for you. I am simply afraid of the unknown, of being on a path which I don't know where is leading, of encountering obstacles I am not sure how to handle.
I don't have all the answers. In fact I feel I just skimmed the surface. But I will never stop learning and I hope you are willing to teach me. You have taught me quite a lot already!
If you only remember one paragraph from this post make it this one. You are awesome. You are loved. I am so very proud to be your mom. I would not change one thing about you. You are perfect, just the way you are.